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Author Topic: Can I get your opinion on some wording for my Zelda 3 guide?  (Read 3092 times)

assassin

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Can I get your opinion on some wording for my Zelda 3 guide?
« on: July 07, 2008, 01:53:48 AM »
hi,

i've recently been working on a minor bugfix for Zelda III for SNES.  the Readme borrowed some sentences from Section 3 of my Monster/Attack Stats Guide (available here or on gamefaqs).  in the process of adapting those sentences, i decided that they could be written better.

here's a copy+paste of the original:
http://assassin17.home.comcast.net/z3-opine/section3-1.txt

and here's my revision so far:
http://assassin17.home.comcast.net/z3-opine/section3-2.txt

(note that the large "There are several exceptions paragraph" is unchanged after the 1st sentence, so you don't need to bother reading it all twice.)

The reasons for my revision:
1) "an enemy can drop an item from one of the seven prize packs below" seemed kinda ambiguous, almost suggesting that a given enemy can drop from any of the 7 prize packs.  of course in reality, every enemy has one fixed prize pack (or nothing) assigned to it.
2) talking about enemies dropping from "prize packs" before i even explained the structure of a prize pack seemed kinda backward.  prize packs are a key concept, yet their explanation was delayed til the 3rd paragraph.
3) the second sentence "Even when the enemy ..." strikes me as a tack-on to the first sentence, like an admission that the first sentence was missing information.
4) it didn't specify exactly what a prize pack's counter does, though a monkey could probably figure that out from context (8 slots + a 1 through 8 index = dur).

Doubts on my revision:
1) it's slightly longer.
2) it seems a bit wooden.
3) explaining the whole structure of prize packs before even mentioning that enemies have prize packs seems kind of dry and inaccessible.  yes, i realize this is an exact inversion of my #2 reason above. :P
4) when the second paragraph refers to "the last two sentences", that comes across as stiff/awkward.  maybe i should put a paragraph break before those two sentences?

--------

which version do you prefer?  is something in between better?  any comments and suggestions you have would be much appreciated.  the prize packs themselves are listed in my complete guide, if seeing them helps with your analysis.

thanks
« Last Edit: July 07, 2008, 02:00:01 AM by assassin »
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Lenophis

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Re: Can I get your opinion on some wording for my Zelda 3 guide?
« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2008, 02:27:27 AM »
Quote from: assassin on July 07, 2008, 01:53:48 AM
which version do you prefer?  is something in between better?  any comments and suggestions you have would be much appreciated.  the prize packs themselves are listed in my complete guide, if seeing them helps with your analysis.
If you wanted to avoid all confusion, I think something like this would work:

Quote
An enemy who has one of the prize packs assigned to it will, upon defeat, drop
an item from the pack, or randomly leave behind nothing.  An enemy who has no
prize pack will always drop nothing. There are exceptions to these two rules,
though.

And then begin the explanation of the exceptions with the next paragraph.

Other than that, the revision looks well worded. I'd have no trouble following the intent, but it's not about me. :happy:
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Dragonsbrethren

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Re: Can I get your opinion on some wording for my Zelda 3 guide?
« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2008, 02:35:43 AM »
Overall I prefer the second, I'll comment on some of your points though:

Quote
2) talking about enemies dropping from "prize packs" before i even explained the structure of a prize pack seemed kinda backward.  prize packs are a key concept, yet their explanation was delayed til the 3rd paragraph.

...

3) explaining the whole structure of prize packs before even mentioning that enemies have prize packs seems kind of dry and inaccessible.  yes, i realize this is an exact inversion of my #2 reason above. :P

Figured I might as well cover both of these as one. I like the prize pack explanation at the top, but it might be a good idea to move the part about enemies having prize packs up farther in the paragraph, like so:

There are seven prize packs in this game (listed below). An enemy who has one of the prize packs assigned to it will, upon defeat, drop an item from the pack, or randomly leave behind nothing.  An enemy who has no prize pack will always drop nothing. Each prize pack has eight prize slots, its own counter (that determines which slot the current prize comes from), and a probability that you'll get any prize at all.  After any enemy drops a prize from a given pack, that pack's counter is incremented to point to its next slot (if it passes the eighth slot, it moves back to the first one).

This keeps the prize pack explanation near the top but mentions that enemies have them first.


Quote
4) when the second paragraph refers to "the last two sentences", that comes across as stiff/awkward.  maybe i should put a paragraph break before those two sentences?

I agree with this, can't think of a better way of wording it though. Those two sentences are too small for their own paragraph, but they fit better with the rest of the prize pack explanation than the second paragraph.
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assassin

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Re: Can I get your opinion on some wording for my Zelda 3 guide?
« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2008, 06:36:23 AM »
Quote from: Lenophis on July 07, 2008, 02:27:27 AM
If you wanted to avoid all confusion, I think something like this would work:

Quote
An enemy who has one of the prize packs assigned to it will, upon defeat, drop
an item from the pack, or randomly leave behind nothing.  An enemy who has no
prize pack will always drop nothing. There are exceptions to these two rules,
though.

And then begin the explanation of the exceptions with the next paragraph.

Other than that, the revision looks well worded. I'd have no trouble following the intent, but it's not about me. :happy:

thanks for the reply.  a good recommendation.  to be sure, do you want the quoted section to stay in the first paragraph, or should it get its own paragraph?
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assassin

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Re: Can I get your opinion on some wording for my Zelda 3 guide?
« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2008, 06:46:33 AM »
Quote from: Dragonsbrethren on July 07, 2008, 02:35:43 AM
Overall I prefer the second, I'll comment on some of your points though:

Quote
2) talking about enemies dropping from "prize packs" before i even explained the structure of a prize pack seemed kinda backward.  prize packs are a key concept, yet their explanation was delayed til the 3rd paragraph.

...

3) explaining the whole structure of prize packs before even mentioning that enemies have prize packs seems kind of dry and inaccessible.  yes, i realize this is an exact inversion of my #2 reason above. :P

Figured I might as well cover both of these as one. I like the prize pack explanation at the top, but it might be a good idea to move the part about enemies having prize packs up farther in the paragraph, like so:

There are seven prize packs in this game (listed below). An enemy who has one of the prize packs assigned to it will, upon defeat, drop an item from the pack, or randomly leave behind nothing.  An enemy who has no prize pack will always drop nothing. Each prize pack has eight prize slots, its own counter (that determines which slot the current prize comes from), and a probability that you'll get any prize at all.  After any enemy drops a prize from a given pack, that pack's counter is incremented to point to its next slot (if it passes the eighth slot, it moves back to the first one).

This keeps the prize pack explanation near the top but mentions that enemies have them first.

thanks for the reply.  this is an appealing middle ground between my versions.  one problem: it "traps" those two sentences in the middle of the 1st paragraph, making it even harder for the 2nd paragraph to reference them without getting all wordy.

in the existing guide, due to how it's arranged, i could just open the 2nd paragraph with "There are several exceptions to this system."  but i can't be that general and use "this system" in the revision because it'll suggest (imho) that the exceptions ignore or override the whole prize pack system, even though some of the exceptions listed still use prize packs.  gar.
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Lenophis

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Re: Can I get your opinion on some wording for my Zelda 3 guide?
« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2008, 12:07:21 PM »
Quote from: assassin on July 07, 2008, 06:36:23 AM
to be sure, do you want the quoted section to stay in the first paragraph, or should it get its own paragraph?
Stay in the first paragraph.
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Leviathan Mist

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Re: Can I get your opinion on some wording for my Zelda 3 guide?
« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2008, 09:52:43 PM »
I quickly glanced at both, and I'd say the original makes more sense to your average reader. You gotta think of your audience - if your prime audience is a casual gamer, stick with the original. If you want more programmers and hardcore hacksters to read it, go with the revised version.
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assassin

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Re: Can I get your opinion on some wording for my Zelda 3 guide?
« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2008, 09:38:36 AM »
here's an update:

http://assassin17.home.comcast.net/z3-opine/section3-3.txt

it uses Dragonsbrethren's reordered paragraph.  Lenophis, your suggestion was also solid, but it's incompatiable with Db's due to the new ordering of things.

 i think the reordering ought to address concerns about section3-2.txt being too stiff for average readers.

i also think i came up with a first sentence for the 2nd paragraph that is neither misleadingly overly-general (like the sentence from section3-1.txt would've been) nor using an awkward reference to previous sentences (like the one from section3-2.txt did).

let me know how section3-3.txt strikes you.  if it's concluded as good, it'll make it into my guide whenever it's next updated.  in the meanwhile, some of it will end up in a Readme for the aforementioned bugfix, to be released shortly.
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Lenophis

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Re: Can I get your opinion on some wording for my Zelda 3 guide?
« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2008, 12:59:13 PM »
Hey, that looks pretty solid. Everything is understandable. :happy:
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Dragonsbrethren

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Re: Can I get your opinion on some wording for my Zelda 3 guide?
« Reply #9 on: July 12, 2008, 07:49:55 PM »
Quote from: Lenophis on July 12, 2008, 12:59:13 PM
Hey, that looks pretty solid. Everything is understandable. :happy:

Yep, I agree. :happy:
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